Nicole

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
~~U2

Every day I wake up and it’s Sunday
Whatever’s in my head won’t go away
The radio is playing all the usual
And what’s a wonderwall anyway

Because my inside is outside
My right side’s on the left side
‘Cos I’m writing to reach you
But I might never reach you
I long to teach you about you
But that’s not you
–Travis, Writing to Reach You

Good Bible-studying morning, followed by good meeting, followed by good Sunday drive with good company…

And then I get home to discover I did something completely irresponsible, which I’ve never done before. I’ve had a credit card since I was sixteen, I’ve never just forgotten to pay it (or any other bill). It was due a week ago. To quote Napoleon D, “Idiot!” So there goes my 0% interest til September ’06.

Can’t really say “That’s not like me to do that” because anymore, it is. I think that Type A chick is dead. Of course, I’m not really Type B either. I am my own letter. Type Q or something.

Which kind of relates to what’s been on my mind since Thursday night. I’m starting to believe what some folks have been teasing me about for a while now, that a certain bro has a thing for me. Which is flattering, I guess. But I was just thinking how anyone I met here wouldn’t know an awful lot about me. Both good and bad things. I haven’t told many people around here about the past things I’ve been through. And I really haven’t been quite myself most of the time. I mean, I think my old hall remembers me quite differently than the folks of Stadium will. People here think I’m quiet and sweet! Haha, do I have them fooled! And I haven’t had horses in my life since I’ve been here. I am never balanced about riding, but my over-the-top love for it just kinda spills joy over into everything else. I can remember walking around Meijer in dirty boots after a horse show just grinning at strangers.

I’m trying to put together my schedule for spring, summer and fall right now. I want to auxiliary in May and maybe June at least. And I want a time open where I could pick up a riding lesson here and there. Maybe Sunday mornings. And I want to quit my job, because even though I like it, I’m tired of the limited schedule. But I won’t quit, knowing me, and I probably won’t find time to line up some equestrian activity. After all, I can’t even manage to make three clicks to pay a credit card. But perhaps I should just do whatever I feel like doing, gosh!

Can this man get any more adorable? http://www.maratsafin.com/letter.php

/melt

Let’s keep this memorial occasion/ Fixed firmly in heart and in mind…

Isn’t it funny to think how it’s still Nisan 14, and will be until tomorrow at sundown?

It was great as always. I think it was understandable for all, yet not too basic so as to seem like stating the obvious.

This time of year seems more like a new year than January 1. This is when I want to make resolutions. This is when I want to change things, to fully wake up after lying cold and dormant. Things can be so much different. Just takes some effort.

A rare analog (that is, paper) journal excerpt from yesterday for you all:

It’s the little things that make this all just well up inside me. I’m nervous, can’t be normal. So many good and fitting details. Detroit, speeding, championship hockey, Hendrix, Yellow Ledbetter.

And yet I know, my mind knows, it more than likely won’t last much longer. Which is a hard thing to remind a heart aching for nothing less than forever.

It has to be obvious now, even if it’s too late.

It’s the things that are my own fault, and the things I didn’t know how to prevent, which weigh heaviest upon me and will continue to do so.

Downtown Detroit is the perfect locale for wishing things could have been different. Resting your head on a car window while listening to Hendrix is the ideal setting for realizing just how much you blew it.

***************************************************

The special assembly day yesterday was great, very timely. And it coincided with the growing realization that I am burned out (again? or has it just been the continuation of the burnout from the years of working full time?) As I crunch the numbers for this summer’s finances, I keep wondering whether it might not be worth it not to work, and maybe pick up some riding time. I was already planning on auxiliarying for May, which would be easier without a job too. It means a bigger debt awaiting me when I gradjitate, but on the other hand, how will I pay student loans when I’ve gone stark raving mad?

http://entertainment.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=184741 That’ll probably make the price of tix go even higher. Oh, and Bono’s starting a clothing line to promote economic growth in third world countries. http://entertainment.msn.com/news/article.aspx?news=184632&mpc=2 Hope they make sunglasses. :)

Orson Welles… Words are failing me…

He reminds you that you have a heart. He points out something obvious that you should have known about it. Then he breaks it.

Just finished Tomorrow is Forever, and I’m blown away at how a plot which is essentially a gender reversal of Stella Dallas without the white trash element, a plot should have been a maudlin wartime eye-roller, made me fight back tears and now I can’t sleep. Claudette Colbert has quite a similar role in Since You Went Away, but who ever had a deep emotional response to that, I ask you? And I like Joseph Cotten.

Orson Welles.

So, the movies I’ve rented since discovering the biggest Hollywood Video anywhere:
Never Let Me Go– ♥♥ (somewhat of a disappointment)
Green Mansions–⅔ (only because I love Audrey and Tony)
Tall Story– ♥♥♥♥ (If it’s all right with you, it’s all right with me)
Tomorrow is Forever–♥♥♥♥♥ (scale of 5)

And the movies I’ve seen at the theater lately:
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events–♥♥♥♥ (Okay, it gets padding for the Jude Law narration. But excellent for a kids movie)
Ocean’s Twelve–0 (There was nothing redeeming)

Forgot to mention how much I’ve enjoyed some IM conversations lately. Like the one in which a certain forthright person and I were discussing some (evidently past) mutual acquaintances. I mentioned the person who I’ve written about here before (the one who used to be my best bud, who now won’t have anything to do with me, except visiting my website), and the following ensued:

Certain Forthright Person Who Shall Remain Nameless: who?
Me: (Repeats full name and hometown of former friend)
CFPWSRN: ohhhh
CFPWSRN: yeah.
CFPWSRN: _____ was a snob.

And you know, CFPWSRN is right. ____ was a snob, in kind of a different way. A spiritual snob, I guess you could say. I mean, I was always putting a spin on what I said about my life, out of fear of adverse judgment. Funny I didn’t see it at the time.

And last night, I found out, by virtue of talking about the DC study, that my favorite Canadian is feeling unsettled in life too. That makes me feel better, it really does.

They’re having a home and garden show at the Silverdome. I want to go, just to be there one more time.

My new shampoo smells like Kool-Aid.

And best news of all, MARTHA STEWART WAS RELEASED!!!!! :D

Detroit won yesterday. Which I actually appreciate. When I start to know a place too well, when I can circumvent detours and delays and confusion, it gets boring. I started to hate Midland, Mt Pleasant, Saginaw, Flint, and Ann Arbor when I quit getting lost in them. Have I written about that before? Seems like I have.

I woke up late because I was having the most horrible nightmare. But even horrible nightmares make you aware of things bothering you that you hadn’t acknowledged before.

Time to move on, I guess.